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This is just a message to all one or two of you that take the time to read this mess that I've changed the background style to a more reader-friendly coloring and style. It's vaguely Victorian in style, as well, which makes me happy and makes anyone who had trouble with the white text on black background happy as well. I'm all about making people happy. This message doesn't take the place of a full post, either. It's just a Public Service Announcement. We now return you to your irregularly scheduled program.

Educational Erosion

It has been quite some time since I sat in a classroom, soaking in knowledge and expanding my horizons. It has been quite some time since I have been challenged to learn, to understand something new and interesting. Or at least somewhat different. I feel as though my mind ceased growing once I received my degree. Since that point, it almost feels as though the edge that I had honed in my mind has been dulling by degrees. Year after year, I feel as though I lose a bit more of the edge I fought so hard to create through years of study. Not that I was a pillar of intelligence, but I felt capable of absorbing new information, synthesizing it, and intelligently conversing about the subject with more than just a "Huh" or "Well isn't that interesting".

These days, I struggle to find the edge I once had. Occasionally, when a subject is hit upon in conversation that I know about, I feel the gleam of the edge under the tarnish of time. For a brief, shining moment I feel the joy that comes from using that part of my mind. I feel a hunger, a yearning for more knowledge, more academic contact to fill that urge. When a subject shows up on tv or the internet that sparks that interest, I yearn to keep the spark alive, to learn. More often, though, are the times where people talk about subjects and I feel dull and knowledgeable about the subject. I struggle to find purchase and contribute, to learn as I go. Instead, I find myself nodding in mock comprehension and trying to be unobtrusive as people expound on subject.

What happened to the edge that would have allowed me to absorb the conversation's topic and at least offer an intelligent opinion or educated guess? Have the intervening years between college and now worn down the academic edge that I spent years honing? I have not pursued academic learning since that time, so perhaps if left unused, the edge fades. Instead of learning, I play games and listlessly surf the internet. Like the rest of the body, without a proper diet and exercise the mind seems to go to seed and lose definition in the figurative sense. My mind feels fat with useless knowledge and lazy, too lazy to gear itself up to do anything more than play a game or watch a movie.

I realize, of course, that I am learning new things everyday. From other people, from my job, from the books I read, from news sources and magazines, I continue to learn. My mind has not been idle all these years. I know more now in many different areas than I did in college. Life has a way of making every day a classroom. But I miss having that academic edge. Much of what I've learned since college has been passive, not active and deliberate. I love learning and the process of finding things out. There's a simple joy at learning something new and applying it, either through conversation or through writing. Making the mind puzzle out new information and learning how it applies is a rush all it's own. That natural high that joggers feel when running? I get that when I learn. Weird, huh? Even now, just thinking about it, I feel the gleam of the edge peeking out, hopeful that now is the time that I'll take my mind out of mothballs and fire it up. Sorry to disappoint you once again, mind.

So what, then, should I do? I work on a college campus, so the drive to learn is even worse now than ever. Working with students and professors and hearing all of the subjects being taught and learned makes me yearn for learning. But money is an issue. Right now, we don't have the funds for me to return to school to get my masters. Maybe soon, but not now. My job is giving me an opportunity to learn, which is great, but it isn't filling that need for some reason. It helps, but I crave more. I try to get myself to write, thinking that it would at least occupy my mind, but it's such a lazy thing that I can barely get into the mode to write an email, let alone a story. Though for some reason story ideas are constantly coming to me. I'll keep trying, though.

Acknowledgment of the issue is also a big step, so now I know what is bothering me. Now I can work on sharpening that edge. The ultimate goal will be to go back to school. For now, though, I will have to make do with smaller goals and work my way up, slowly but surely honing my mind, getting it back into shape. It will take a bit of work and time, but it will be worth it. It's time to fight erosion of the mind. Right after this game...